Part Two - Chapter Two - NO PUSSY REQUIRED

Place: Ubud (Bali) / Pelabuhan Ratu (Java)

Time: July/August 1994 

BETTER TO BE ALONE

The last three weeks had been chaotic. Somehow, I had tried to clear my mind and feelings about Asia but I had not been able to do that. The idea of trying to find some connections to Europe through a woman had proven a failure. I had rather been increasingly attracted by Asian women. The most important thing that I focused now on was myself. I had to be alone to find a new direction for my journey in life. Nobody else would be able to help me.

In the beginning of relationships, I find it always positively challenging to find a way to exchange pleasure. As I had left Yogyakarta for Bali, Silvia, the Swiss woman had accompanied me. Still being kept in the mystic embrace from the two ancient temples, I had approached her on my last evening in Yogya. The attraction was mutual and we had started acting out our passion. In the bus to Bali, we had started with heavy petting amid the local Muslim and Hindu travelers. Most time we had spent half naked under our blankets caressing each others body. As we arrived on Bali, we had taken together a bungalow. I had believed that the woman was ready for getting laid. However, she had told me that we should wait to let the lust rise even more. Silvia told me that she believed in tantric sex. Two people should wait a bit before they had intercourse. I first agreed to that as I expected a mind blowing experience to follow. Now, that had been only the beginning of all the confusion.

I have come to the belief that most people are emotionally damaged, not only the ones that we usually describe with this terminology. Former lovers certainly influence our sexuality and we have to be careful to facilitate this with the next partner. In the previous year, after I had come back from Thailand, there had been only one woman in Germany. We had spent a long time with each other and had even started moving in sporadically. She had lived around 200 kilometers away. Our employment and my study situation had allowed that we spent most time together. This woman had given me feminist literature. I had gotten aware of progressive female ideas. Mainly, I had developed a tolerance for other opinions about sexual intimacy. It had really helped me to expand my understanding. However, one event had blown my mind and gone clearly over the limit. She had fulfilled her birthday wish by fucking my best friend. If that was emancipation than it was definitely questionable. 

Only on Bali, with Silvia, I started to see something positive in these experiences. A woman that wanted to wait was better than a woman who wanted only to fuck her brain out with multiple partners. It was rather acceptable that Silvia expressed her desire of waiting a little bit longer. It could even be an interesting experiment if it really worked the way she told me. Still, I found myself sometimes in situations like in the movie A Fish Called Wanda. We caressed in restaurants in Ubud and I came really close to multiple orgasms. I was really thankful that I had not the ability to read minds. I certainly did not make me any friends among the locals by our strange actions. Seriously, do you want to defend yourself if the foot of a woman goes up your leg and starts fiddling with your genitals? It made it easier that I was wearing the traditional Balinese sarong most of the time. If you don't understand how it felt for me, just try it out in your local pub.

The best places can be spoiled when you are unhappy, worst is when you are unhappy about somebody else and don't know how to change it.  We spent most of the day on our bicycles, going around different sites such as nice viewpoints, temples and woodcarving galleries. In the evening was time to explore our bodies. It could have been what other people call romantic, but there were too many things that bothered me. Such as I started to dislike the way how Silvia was dealing with the locals. She was clearly the opinion that you could not trust anybody. She was really mean in haggling and criticized the culture a lot. I got slowly to the conclusion that we would have to work a lot to adapt to each other. A disturbing feeling was growing as well. It was not much fun to cycle most of the day with a boner but having to wait that I could fuck her. She had the ridiculous opinion that oral sex was not natural. So, she refused to give me a blowjob and did not allow me to go down on her. I felt increasingly under pressure. It did not help at all in this situation that I tried to get my own space. Whenever I wanted to do something alone, Silvia hang on me like a burdock. I could not get away from her whatever I tried and I did not want to be rude to tell her off. The paradise of Bali turned into a ig headache, something had to change.

In frustrating situations, people usually find something to condemn about the other person. One day, and I wonder I  had not been aware of it earlier, I observed that she did not use any shampoo. I had run out of my own and asked to use hers. She laughed and meant 'Shampoo is not good for you. I have not used it for years.' Well, there are reasons that speak clearly against shampoo. However, I suddenly suspected that the bad smell in our bungalow did not come from our sweaty clothes but probably from her body. My awareness of this rancid odor grew but I still could not figure what exactly it reminded me of. I was at a point rather to leave than suffering any longer.

Sex can be a solutions to a problem, it should not, but not getting any of it can help to make your mind up quicker as well. One evening, before we went to bed, I had reached the point of no return. This night I had to fuck her or I would leave her behind. We went to bed and started caressing each other. As I had the feeling that I could not take it anymore without finally shagging her, I pulled out a condom. Her face turned into an ugly mask. I do not know if it was the feeling that I awoke of 'I will not take any plastic into my body' or if it was the Christian belief of 'I will only have intercourse to reproduce'. Whatever, she did not want to get screwed. I turned around and pretended to sleep. Then, I waited until I heard her soft snoring. I could not even imagine being with this woman in one bed anymore. Suddenly, thick fog lifted from my mind. The malodorous stench came from her body and even worse I knew what it reminded me of. I had only smelled it twice before at the ENT specialist. It was a similar smell as I had experienced as the doctor got rid of my acute sinusitis by sucking out the stuck snot out of my paranasal sinuses. There was no other option. I had to leave the following morning. 

  Of course, in life it is usually not okay for me to make sharp cuts and leaving people without giving them a few more chances. But come on, I had holidays and you don't want to fuck up your leisure time with too many headaches. Sometimes, you just do not have any other option than going different ways. The most important person in your life is always yourself. I feel pity for the people who are in the strange belief that their life can only be happy if they have a partner. I consider it even as not fair if you need somebody to complement you. Get on with your life. Make the best out of it. Do not try to bind yourself if you cannot find happiness alone. How do you want to take any responsibilities in your life if you cannot stand on your own feet. Unfortunately, Silvia belonged to the group of weak members of the society. She begged me to stay, she cried to impress me and she made silly promises. She was even not aware that these potential commitments made it even worse for her. I did not want to have anybody who 'waits for me if I come back from my journeys through the jungle.' I did not like to hear that somebody would change her life for me and 'use shampoo and wash regularly.' These were things a person had to arrange with herself. It was bullocks to use another one as reason to change behaviour. It made me partly feel like some kind of scapegoat. I had seen how she dealt with the locals. There was too much danger to steer towards a life in a prison like relation if I stayed. She was just not adaptable to me. We were two of a kind. The worst however was to hear 'you can fuck me if it is that what has driven you away.' This was just painful. A relationship with her would have never worked over a long time. I tried to take part of the blame on me but it did not help. Actually, I even did not know what I really wanted but I was sure it was not a partnership with this woman. The time with her had not been a waste. However, it was time to go.

BALI EXTREME

There was so much more to see and do on Bali that I did not mind getting away from Silvia, it was a release into the light. Bali back in 1994 had turned already into a very touristic place. The island was very popular and had a worldwide reputation for being a great island to make holidays. Still, the so called artist center in the middle of the island, Ubud, was not so much frequented by tourists and there were not many expensive hotels. I would have not expected it to be a location for tranquility. I decided to stay a further couple of days and being alone again, I got quickly caught into the culture of the island. 

Bali is famous for its traditional dances, they are beautiful but try to keep to the locals and you will see far more amazing things. The Barong dance at the old temple of Ubud was fascinating and I loved particularly the traditional music but I had the feeling it was not yet the real thing. Something out of the shadows called me again. I got the opportunity by making friends with some of the local people to see a Kecak Fire and a Trance Dance. These dances come in a few varieties and are even offered on travel agency programs. However, there are some that are usually not open for tourists. I was the only Westerner among a group of Indonesian spectators. The Indonesian guy that had taken me with him advised me not to take any pictures. I had come to the real thing. The action of the dancers was encircling me and took me under a spell. The ritual of the dance put me into a trance like status. My thoughts drifted away and I somehow started to feel that Asia would be my future. The dances opened me a portal into the Asian cultures as if I had been always a part of it. There was magic working here. There was no doubt for that. How else, could the dancers stuck swords into their bodies without any blood spreading and without getting injured. At modern circuses the magician is usually dressed and uses a lot of effects. These dancers had only a piece of cloth around their waists to hide their private parts. There was no trick, this was real magic. The dancers moved over fire but this can be seen in other cultures, too. The ramming of a sword into their bodies, I had never heard before of and can also not find any plausible explanation. Sometimes, flames were flying into my direction, my shoes got hot but I did not take any serious damage. I was no longer of a clear mind. There was a lot of temptation to join the world of mystery.

Confrontations with different cultures can keep people back from joining them, other encounters can suddenly open the senses to feel a hidden truth. One of my last days on Bali, I was walking through the streets of Ubud.  A big procession was coming up the hill and walked towards the city center. The people were dressed in colourful suits. They carried baskets and plates of fruits and flowers. Then came a big wagon with a coffin which was followed by three festive dressed beauties. I thought that they might only accompany the body of their father to his last resting place. I was curious to see what was going on. An hour later, I got more inside knowledge as I followed the parade. The sati, the ritual of ceremonial burning of the wives was still practised in Bali. Short before the pyre was ignited, I walked away. I was not in shock, it was only a strange feeling to see that Hinduism on Bali had not abandoned the ritual. However, it drove a rift between me and this place. I liked the nature and the people were kind. Under no circumstances, I wanted to be at a place where I had just witnessed something barbaric. I did not appreciate this setting at all. Hinduism was an old religion, older than Buddhism but I had hoped that at least some customs had adapted to modern standards. In that moment, I started to compare Hindus and Buddhists. I understood that I would never be able to live among Hindus. This religion seemed to be much too savage. Here, on Bali, I had after a long time of ignorance the desire again of going back to the Land of Smile. 

  Nothing better to conclude the visit of a location than doing something so extreme that you will always keep the place in your mind and memories. It came the day that should be my last on this island. I had been challenged by the culture and religion. I had enjoyed it and I could have only spent my time better if I had stayed all the time on my own. On my last day I wanted to confront myself, my mind, body and soul. There seemed nothing better to do than to make a brutal bicycle journey. I had already been half-way up to the volcano Batur volcano with my mountain bike. It had been lots of fun going down the slopes to Ubud again. I even overtook motorbikes and now I set myself another trial for my last day. I had fancied it for a longer time, going down to the sea, having a look at the Tanah Lot Temple and then climbing up again to Ubud. I had talked to the owner of the guesthouse and he told me it as impossible. I could hardly believe him and told him that I would be back in the evening. He was only laughing about it. This seemed to be then the right thing to do on a final day.

The tour is not that long, the conditions of the road and weather are the bigger obstacles. There are just 33 kilometers between the two places and only a difference in elevation of 200 meters. Early in the morning, I started my tour. I had chosen only to take a small backpack with water with me. The drive towards the sea was not that difficult. The way was first on a good street but then I had to go over smaller ways which conditions were more like crossroads at that time. At around lunch time I was at the temple. Now, this was a really touristic site. I was not much interested in it. Particularly, it was just low tide and so the temple appeared only as a smaller Hindu temple on a big rock. On the way back I had to cycle first through a few kilometers of flat rice fields. The wind was blowing heavily from the front so this was already a lot of work. The most strenuous part was still ahead of me and I started to feel my legs getting heavier. On the climb through the forest up to Ubud, I fell somehow into a delirium. I was not there anymore, just my thoughts. Kids were overtaking me and making their fun out of me but I did not mind. Old people looked fascinated at me and some even tried to motivate me with shouting at me and clapping their hands. I melt into nature which became part of me. There was no longer a distinction between the trees at the side, the sound of birds and me cycling on the bike. My thoughts jumped randomly through past, present and future. Every bad situation that I thought of made me stronger. Any sweet event and anything connected with hope for the future helped me to relax. Ubud came closer by the minute. I had to make a break to buy some water. I felt the dehydration creeping like a poisonous snake into my body. Some water helped but it was not enough, I had some biscuits with it. As I tried to get back onto my bike, I nearly fell down. I checked the time and I saw it was only two hours left to sunset. I certainly did not want to be on the road with a bike that missed the lights in the dark. Ubud came closer, more kids overtaking me, more old people cheering, more pain in my legs and I had remembered this climb. After it would only come one deep valley and then another ascent. If I could just roll down into the valley then my speed should carry me halfway up the final hill. I made myself extremely small on the bike and got a very good speed. There was an agricultural vehicle on the street, I checked if I had nobody coming behind me, then I overtook the tractor. I had not lost much of my speed but suddenly, a vintage car overtook me and cut sharply before me to the left so that I had to go into the brakes. Bastards! These stupid rich holiday makers that looked like pepped up film people in their vehicle and their suitable early 20th century suits. I could not care who they were but they were assholes. That was for sure. Rich filthy scum, only on the world to serve their own purposes and not caring about anybody else. If they had any respect for other people they would have had the eyes on the road and tried not to obstruct the path of any other person. This incident turned the final climb into torture. I was struggling on the bike but I knew exactly that I had to stay in the saddle. Getting out of it would mean giving away everything, my power, my spirit and my endurance. Short before sunset, I arrived in Ubud. At the guesthouse, the owner came out and was cheering for me. I had mastered the way but even more important I had won against myself, it was time to continue my journey.

COULD SHE BE ASIAN?

I often wonder how people can judge a country from their tourist destinations. It is more the distant places off the beaten path that can show you details about a country. After a two day continuous journey, I arrived on the shorter West coast of Java in a smaller place called Pelabuhan Ratu. My old idea of traveling to places that had not been mentioned much in travel guides had taken possession of me again. I do not know what I was looking for at that place except knowing the country better. Anyhow, I arrived there and I saw that there was really no reason to mention that place in any kind of literature. A boring Muslim city with a volcanic sand beach. I guessed that it must have been a very good place for surfing or wave riding. It was the first place on my journey that I had the need of delving into my Bahasa Indonesia book which I had bought in Singapore. I encountered a nice and peaceful Muslim society where the surprised locals closed me quickly into their hearts. This was much different to Bali.

I had arrived at the place, without any desire to find a woman in the next couple of months, just with the wish to relax. This was shaken by meeting one of the sisters of the owner of the guesthouse. Her name was Imam and she had been married already once. There was a respect between us which was even not disturbed by her, showing me her fondness. The first time that we met, I was just playing pool billiard with her brother. I saw that he actually did not want to introduce me to her. He admitted later that he understood me. He admired that I was on my journey to myself. He did not want to be responsible for putting obstacles into my way. The following day, I was very surprised to see her in my bungalow as I came back from the beach. She did not need to work in the guesthouse, they had two cleaners. However, from this day on she made it her personal task to dust, change the bed lining and take out the garbage. She also motivated me to learn more Indonesian every day. After a couple of days, we started going out for dinner and became really good friends. Unfortunately I belong to the group of men that put their brains first and not their dicks.

Already in Germany, I had been quite retarded in the interaction with women. I had spent a lot of time with women and probably I just had too much respect for them. Female friends and I had even slept in the same bed and I had hardly ever made the move to get closer to them. A couple of years later some of these women had asked me if I had not considered them as attractive. Indeed, many of them had been super appealing young females but I would have never come on the idea that they really wanted more from me. Later, a female colleague told me then that I would incorporate many ideals that women like in men. This knowledge does not help much if you are slow in understanding the desires of the opposite gender. Then you are just not very smart. I was such an idiot and even knowing it I had so far not made any improvements. So, I admit being a real moron regarding the sexual approach to women. That does not even mean that I would have not liked to have sex with more women than I had in my life. Something kept me back of really dealing with trying to get closer to them. There have been even women standing in front of me and telling me frankly 'I want you!'   What had I done in these situations? Pissing them off and asking 'What for?' Sometimes, I feel like Forest Gump surrounded by Baywatch girls.

Knowing these mental conditions, it will not surprise you that it developed with Imam just into the same direction. I did not express that I appreciated being together with her, not only as a friend. In this case,  I just found the excuse suitable that I was on a trip through Indonesia, Malaysia and eventually Thailand. There was not time to become emotionally bond to a place because of a woman. I developed in these days quiet a talent to find a lot of reasons and false excuses for lying to myself. I just had not the balls to accept that I might have liked it to stay at this place and not continue traveling. However, I became aware that I liked the kind and peaceful Asian way of women much more than the frontal and aggressive way of Europeans. This new knowledge did not make it easier to think logically like a cave man, just hit her over her head and carry her home.

Let's be honest, there is more to feminism and emancipation than insisting on having the same rights. I have heard it so many times and it makes me really sick if Western women claim that Asians are not emancipated. Asian women are often just smarter and get their rights in their relationships much more subtle. It is wrong if women try to find out the personal opinion of a man at the first date. That is scarring people off and well yeah only all the douchebags are left over. Then it is further no surprise if real men die out and most young men try their best in becoming pussies. Of course, there should not be made any difference about the chances of working places or salaries. But do women seriously think that has to be brought up in finding the right guy? How shall people communicate with each other if every encounter is based on mistrust, competition and aggression from the beginning? I doubt that the majority of men can ignore anymore that there are only a few biological differences. So, why can't women and men not approach each other first in a kind, peaceful and civilised way? This kindness and peacefulness of Asian women was expressed by Imam a lot. This did not make her a stupid bunny just only a friendly person. This was what I had missed in European women. Unfortunately, I was not ready for Imam or she was just not the right one. However, it became obvious that the Asian way of women was much more appealing to me. In other words, I was much more tempted to be corrupted than hit into my face.

My way continued to find myself, I was by far not there where I would have to face my personal truth. After a week, I left that place and made my way towards Sumatra. Pelabuhan Ratu was off the beaten path but not remote enough. I hoped to find in Sumatra a few places that would let me find even more inner peace in even more remote surroundings. It was not only about myself, I wanted to visit locations before they were burned down, deforested or turned into modern entertainment venues under the influence of Western societies.

Part Two - Chapter One - BACK IN ASIA

Place: Singapore / Jakarta / Yogyakarta

Time: July 1994

NO MORE HOME

Do you know the feeling of coming home from a holiday trip and somehow feeling empty and confused? As I came back to Germany in late October 1993, I felt estranged from life. I had been almost two months in Thailand. The dark forces which I had encountered seemed to follow me. I had alienated from an ordinary life in western societies. A wanderer between the worlds, the worlds of West and East, the worlds of real life and shadows. I had lived a long time in the shadows. I felt thrilled going as soon as possible back to Asia, but certainly not Thailand. The encounters with lady boys, drugs and prostitution kept me from thinking about it positively. There had to be better countries without these problems. Certainly, Thailand was beautiful but going off the beaten track had been a too dark experience. Somehow, I considered being through with that country. On the other side, I had met good people like my friend Pee Pee. He deserved seeing me again. He should not think of me as someone that did not keep his word. I wanted to make a difference. The following year I spent planning a trip to Indonesia. I thought of concluding this journey with a short trip to Thailand. First, I had to clear my head, find some new meaning in life and then to go back with a better understanding and more distance. Asia should not swallow me again.

BACK IN ASIA

The problem with transits is that they are usually understood as easy however they can be full of complications. This time, I took KLM to Jakarta with stop-over in Singapore. Already in Singapore, I was back in the strange surroundings that had engulfed me on my first visit. I went out of the plane to a book shop and got me a book to learn basic Bahasa, the language of Indonesia. It is in my eyes important to speak some words of the native languages of the visited countries. I planned to spent two months there and so some pieces of the language could always be helpful. As I wanted to enter the plane again, I had to go through a routine custom control. Suddenly, the custom officer pointed towards me.

'What you got in the bag?'

'A book'

'Where did you buy it?'

'Just here, Sir.'

'Come with me!'

Well, my plane was leaving in ten minutes time. There had to be a misunderstanding.

'Sir, I am on transit. My plane...'

'Come with me! Now!'

 It did not make any sense to resist. It would only take more time. I followed the officer into a neighboring quarter where he looked at me sharply. Fortunately, he was interrupted by a superior officer, exchanged some words in Chinese and then he told me to get to the plane quickly. 

'Hurry up! You miss your plane!'

Well, it was not my idea to delay the boarding. 'Strange', I thought 'What did he actually think that he was doing?'

Singapore is a very clean and strict country. This is known. These two facts were a reason I have never planned of going to that country. In the previous year to this incident, I heard on the radio that a man had been whipped for parking his car in a no-parking zone. Chewing gums were prohibited. Did I look like I had chewing gums on me? Maybe. They have the death penalty on drugs. Maybe I had with my long hair the look of a drug trafficker. Further, long hair was once forbidden in Singapore. They took themselves the right to turn away visitors with long hair. Well, I was not properly dressed as well and maybe looked too much like a hippie.(1) Still, I was on a stop-over!  I had no intention to enter the country except the airport! Could I call myself lucky that nothing more had happened? What if the superior officer had not come into the room? I felt back in old shadows from the previous year. They had not left me, only given me a break. This I understood already as I re-entered my plane to continue my flight, a transit had become an omen.

JAKARTA TO YOGYAKARTA

One of the biggest problems that Asian capital cities have faced for a long time is pollution. The plane was scheduled to arrive in the capital city of Indonesia at 2 p.m. I was still shocked and slightly embarrassed after the incident in Singapore. The airport in Jakarta looked depressive. It was more like a warehouse than a proper airport. A lot of empty spaces, a hall as big as a football field and a few waiting lines standing lost around. I went to the baggage claim, got my backpack and left to the street. Outside, it was almost dark. Did the plane have such a delay? I asked a local for the time.

'Oh, it is 2 p.m. Why? Was your plane late?'

"No,... but it is dark. Any rain expected?'

'Pollution.'

 Great, I had thought that Bangkok was bad. I had never seen black clouds darkening the sky at 2 p.m. in the afternoon. I had to get out of that. I asked the man once more, he had understood English.

'How do I get to the train station?'

'Why? Don't you like it here?'

Well, I could not tell him that I did not like it, I hated it instantly.

'No, but I hope to get to Yogya by tomorrow.'

'It is a long way to the station. You can take bus. Four hours.'

I could hardly imagine that I had been able to pollute my body with all cigarettes of my life more than staying one day in this city. Pollution was bad in Bangkok, I think it is the worst in Jakarta.

Another exciting thing about major cities in Asia is certainly the chaos in commuting. The bus was crowded, I had to stand all the way long. Still, it was better than spending the night in this garbage pile. It stank, it felt bad, my eyes hurt after the first hour and it was too loud. I had to get out of it, only out. 

Another issue in some Asian countries is the security on the intercity connections. I was positively surprised that there was no delay. It was really only four hours to the station and there were still three options for trains to Yogyakarta that evening. The option after 8 p.m., arriving at Yogya in the early morning, sounded best. The platforms were crowded, people fighting for the best point to get early on and pushed each other forth and back. There were not many Europeans here. Following the survival instinct, I found myself quickly in a small group of a couple from France and an Austrian woman. Usually, it was not my style to bond that quickly, here it fulfilled a purpose, not being overrun by others. I had read and heard too many stories of these trains. People getting robbed or even thrown out of it, the police had too much to do to follow up in most cases. Bonding, the only option to get a small piece of security. (2)

 We arrived early morning in Yogyakarta. Nothing had happened to our small group in the night. We heard that two young Americans had been robbed in the next wagon. Well, I don't know if it is true. Still, I felt better that we had stayed in the small group. 

I had seen it in the previous year, some times locations and settings can lead to some tricks of the mind. There are some cities in South East Asia that have given me a kick, Chiang Mai was one of them, Yogya was another one. It was in 1994 a fascinating place. It was a million people city but it did not feel depressive, it looked beautiful and my reason being there was not even the city. I was more interested in its surroundings. There was the Hindu monument of Prambanan (3), a massive structure. I felt the presence of the old spirits that the builder had called to fulfill the impossible task to build 1,000 temples within one night. This was a holy site! I got goosebumps by walking slowly in the light of the early morning through the ancient alleys. The smell of the sultry floral aromas of the Lotus flower embedded the figurines like a sweet perfume. Maybe I got intoxicated by it as my mind drifted away and everything in my surroundings became somehow unreal. I was the wanderer between the worlds again, not at home in the presence, but not yet welcome in the surreal. The big yonic symbols of the dancers evoke in me the hunger for Asian beauties as I had not felt it on my previous journey to Thailand. It was thrilling to see the different erotic positions carved into the stone. Hence, it was a spirituality in this complex that I felt a form of higher enlightenment given also through the depicted sexuality. I spent the entire day in these surroundings and drove only back in the evening. Still, with a fuzzy mind fogged through the sensuality of the day I could not believe seeing a pretty Swiss girl in front of her bungalow. It had to be a dream, a persuasion of the impact of the lotus flower, better to go to bed.

After the experience from Prambanan on the previous day, I thought the biggest difference to it could be a holy Buddhist site. I had already visited various places around the city and there was still one big journey left, the Borobodur. I would not describe it as a temple, it is a monument. My understanding of a temple is a place of worship with monks and laypeople going to pray and make merit at a site. I don't want to be impolite or even rude but the Borobodur is a block of massive stone, which is spectacular as it must be one of the biggest monuments in the world (4). Like on the previous day at the Prambanan, I fell into a deep unnatural condition of tranquility. The ascent from one level to the next made me feel like climbing the universe itself. At the Hindu temple complex, I had felt partly guilty to see the expressed pleasure as a temptation and had been sexually aroused. Here I felt only warmly welcome by its spirituality. A warm and kind embrace by the ancient essence of the holy structure. It was strengthening and giving myself confidence to become part of this historical setting. This feeling made me wonder if I was maybe not only a tourist in Asia but if I maybe belonged to this part of the world. I felt woven into a silk mantle of South East Asia as if it was my real home. A mysteriously bright warmth spread through all the parts of my body. A lightness of being no longer physical matter but only to exist in the ethereal world of my imaginations. My European consciousness and education refused still to accept this and for the moment it was better this way. Borobodur had dissolved the sexual attraction of Asia but replaced it with a spiritual understanding that I belonged to Asia.

 I did not want to give up Europe that easily. I needed something to keep me away from giving into Asia that easily. There had to be something about Europe that was impossible to find here. So far, I had not met any Asian woman that had attracted me. Maybe, it was just this interpersonal connection to a female partner that I would never find here. My arrival back at my bungalow helped to focus on that idea. There was the Swiss girl in front of her shelter. She had to be the sign that Europe had positive sides, I made my move.

1)  Remember Singapore. Gongs, Long Hair and Chewing Gums

https://remembersingapore.org/2014/06/19/gongs-long-hair-chewing-gums/

2) Expat Focus. Indonesia - Crime and Safety.

http://www.expatfocus.com/expatriate-indonesia-crime-safety

3) Asian Historical Architecture. Prambanan Temple, Yogyakarta, Indonesia

http://www.orientalarchitecture.com/sid/181/indonesia/yogyakarta/prambanan-temple

4) Buddhist Art & Architecture. The temple of Borobodur http://www.buddhanet.net/boro.htm

Part One - Chapter 6 - BACK FROM MADNESS

Place: Hua Hin / Bangkok

Time: September 1993 

HUA HIN

On my first journey to Thailand, I tried to avoid Bangkok as good as possible. My time in Thailand came to an end. I chose Hua Hin for my last stop. I arrived there in the middle of the night. I intended to spend the last two days in this beach town. It was close enough to Bangkok so that I could go into the capital on the day of my departure. At 2;30 a.m., I came with the train to the town. I had expected it to be quiet and calm. According to the information of a friend it was still not too touristic. I had planned to take a few more swims in the Gulf of Thailand. Maybe some shopping was possible but mainly I wanted to get back on track, away from the bohemian lifestyle of Koh Phangan. There was the fear that I had adapted too much to a world full of mystery and drugs. It was also far better than an overload of impressions that I was afraid of about Bangkok.

I had made so many different experiences in Thailand, particularly after the island, that I tried to come to a personal conclusion about the country. I had been living in a dream for almost the last two weeks on Koh Phangan. A lost soul, too much apart from the life in a civilized world. This made me feel uncomfortable. These were only holidays and they had developed into a very strange direction. Two months ago I had been an employee, a student and a son of a good family. What was I now? This question was much too difficult for me to answer. I hated what had happened with me. These were the most extreme two months of my life. How could I ever expect going back home and living an ordinary life? I needed to get out of Thailand. Maybe, some day, coming back. Then I would do everything different. I would visit my friend Pee Pee for sure. But I did not get anymore any kick out of this country. Probably, I would have a look at other countries in South East Asia. Maybe Vietnam, Indonesia or Laos. I had heard much about these countries. I had started my journey with a lot of expectations and nothing had gone the planned way.

The arrival Hua Hin showed me that I had lost track of certain parts of reality, such as time. The train station was not far away from most of the guesthouses. I was tired and took for the first time in Thailand a Tuk Tuk. The driver promised me to find a place where I could at least spend the night. This was not easy as it was in the middle of the night.  Usually, I do not like the idea to trust any Tuk Tuk driver for the search of a shelter. At half three in the morning my options were restricted. The first guesthouse was reasonably inexpensive. However, the owner was only able to offer me a place in his laundry. He assured that I could have a good room for the second night. At least a place with a bed, lucky me. Again, I loved Thai hospitality. A few hours later, I was woken up. The owner apologized but his stuff had to do the washing. However, I got directly a nice room with a good view. The first guests had left in the early morning. I continued to sleep a couple of hours and got up at lunch time. I definitely needed to get back on track about time but that was not the only thing that I had to adapt to 'normal' society again.

Another issue was that I had to get used to certain conventions and limitations in a civilized world again. Hua Hin was another world compared with Koh Phangan. The guesthouse was at a main road but only hundred meters away from the beach. As I was used to, I put my sarong around me and walked there. Some tourists gazed at me in strange amazement. Well, better to run around with a sarong then in typical cheese cutters. The scenery here was definitely middle-aged mainly male tourists with their Thai bunnies at their side. I thought Pattaya was bad, good that I had not gone there. Hang on, I do understand that these people bring most money to the country. Still, they are some species of different animal than me. This was something like stone age man meets humans of the future. However, I did not go back to the guesthouse to change my clothes. Instead, I went to the beach. I had planned to take a few good long swims. Unfortunately, Hua Hin has a small problem, the beach near the city center is full of stones and riffs. I did not want to do again harm to my feet. So, I had nothing better to do then taking a walk along the shore. Even that was only limited as some  hotels had made parts of it as private resort. This actually, is against the law, the beach belongs to everybody in Thailand. Corruption makes it possible that the large hotels can avoid that and put up some zones only for their guests. I did not like these limitations and the mindset of the people here, still it was better than hanging around in Bangkok.

SOM TAM

Through my visit in Hua Hin, I came to enjoy for the first time a Thai favourite, Som Tam. This dish originated in Northeast Thailand, Isaan, but is made in all parts of the country.  In my eyes, everybody who comes to Thailand has to try it. If you visit Thailand but miss out on this dish then you did not try to grasp the culture. It has such cultural value that you have actually not even been in Thailand without eating it. It is a must! You may like it or not, but you have to try it. It comes in different grades of hotness. A newcomer to Thailand should never say that he wants to have it hot. Because hot means super hot. Hardcore Thais put up to ten chilies into this salad. The ordinary Thai is happy with four to five. The Western newcomer should try it with only two if any. I do not like tasteless food and so for me it is a must to put three or four inside. I was once able to eat it to the most extreme grade but these times are over. The traditional SomTam consists of finely shredded green papaya pieces, tomato pieces, peanuts and dried shrimps. It is spiced with lime, garlic, fish sauce, sugar and of course chilies. The ingredients are crushed in a mortar with a pestle. That is the basic structure of this meal. It is usually eaten with sticky rice. As I already said  about Thai food, without any kind of rice, a meal is just not a meal. So, enjoy this culinary side of the country!

A cultural dish which is close to a national dish should have of course variations. There are many different versions of Som Tam.  Thais use a many different recipes of making this meal. The basic papaya salad can be enriched with green beans, crab, fermented fish or egg or yard long beans. In any version it is an interesting yet challenging meal. There is even a rather sweet version that includes apples, oranges and other fruits so a delicious fruit salad with the spices of Som Tam. The essential side dish is khao niau, the sticky rice. The typical meat to it is grilled chicken. Many people eat it as well with grilled catfish which has a soft meat and not so many bones. It is one of the dishes in any Isaan restaurant and will never be overlooked by Thais if you are going there. My favourite version is with fermented egg, it is fabulous!

Beware of thinking to compensate the lots of chilis you might find in the papaya salad. If you have by mistake ordered a too hot Som Tam, then eat a lot of sticky rice so that it is calmed down. If you on the other side want to wash it away with water, good luck, you just intensified the hotness. Just think of it similar other spicy food. As an example in the Turkish cuisine where you have bread to calm it down, in Thailand it is the rice.

OH MY GOD, WHY A GERMAN?

 Sometimes, you are so far away from the reality that you can't believe when it catches you again. Such a thing happened on my actual last evening in Thailand. I was not expecting anything special anymore and just drove around the city and had some Thai food. There I met two guys from Canada. They took me around the pubs and bars of the city. It was a pleasant evening and I thought that I could keep it as a last good memory. I was very wrong with this estimation. It was in the second or third pub that we ran into a German guy. Actually, he ran into the bar as a madman and shouted wildly around. First, I could not figure what he wanted in this pub. He was already very drunk but that is a poor excuse. After nobody paid much attention for him, he rushed to the bar counter and screamed towards the bar tender 'Ich will was zum Ficken!' Unfortunately, from the same country, I understood that he cried out for somebody to fuck. I had respect for the country and hearing that yell, I felt offended. Knowing that my two new friends from Canada could guess what he was bellowing, I felt as well ashamed. Call me stupid, but I had the urge to do something. I tried calmly to tell him that his behaviour was out of order. His reaction on that was initially a shocked stare. Then he laughed out loudly 'You are fucking weird. Do not tell me that you are here for the temples or culture. That is fuck paradise number one on the planet!' I did not want to reply, I just wanted to smash my beer bottle over his dumb head. Fortunately, my Canadian friends saw that I went dark red and took me out of the pub. The German was kinda right. Most people came to Thailand because they wanted pussy. It is far beyond me to criticize that. However, it was a shock at that time and it made for me the final point that I did not want to go back to Thailand. 

On my way back to the guesthouse, I summarized about what I had seen in this country. My experiences were summed up with getting too involved with drugs, prostitution and stupid sex tourists. I thought that last night in Thailand, I had experienced a nightmare. I felt stirred up by the encounter with the German and I somehow could hardly see anything positive anymore. The dark sides of my journey to this country were throwing a shadow about anything nice that I had seen here. I honoured the people of the country, it had been nice to meet them. The food had become pleasant and an adventure. The weather was great but actually too hot. It was just that a lot of people came to the country that I would have never talked to back in Europe. Thailand was just too much on the beaten path. There had to be better countries in South East Asia. I was not the right person to mingle with most of Thailand's visitors. Then, which made it worse, I had even not been at places that sounded horrible such as Patpong, Soi Cowboy or Pattaya. I had only traveled on an alternative line and that shocked me most. I wondered how bad had the rest of the country to be?

...A TAXI AS FINAL IMPRESSION

It is a good idea to travel only at the departure day into Bangkok if you don't like cities, but in 1993 you had to be aware of a few things. My flight was in the evening and so I went in the late afternoon to Bangkok. There were stories about the traffic jam in the capital city. This could not be too bad. Four hours should be enough time to get from the central train station to the airport. I arrived at Bangkok's central railway station around four hours before departure. Taxis at that time were real adventures. Most taxis refused to run their meters. At present time they are compelled to run it. However, most tourists will not hand in a formal complaint. I had not been aware that all trains passed the International Airport so my whole enterprise was actually pretty stupid. If you do not waste time get yourselves more information as I did back in 1993. 

However, a strange holiday was rounded up by an insane ride with one of those motorway cowboys. Already in the first five minutes of the tour, I felt like in some kind of meth dream. First, I was offered to go for a beer somewhere because it was still a lot of time. I denied knowing that there are people who drug you and you will never get the flight back home if you do not have a coffin. Then he tried me to get laid. I had not gone to prostitutes all my holidays. There was no reason to do it on my last day. Again, you go for such a gamble and you might not have anything left at the end. The guy got seemingly disappointed and angry with me. He had never seen somebody like me who did not value these precious things of his country. Finally, his last shot was trying to persuade me to do some crack or speed. This got me so angry and I told him harshly off. I doubt that he understood the words but he saw my gestures, he finally shut up. At the airport I gave him a generous tip so that he would not get me into some trouble. After all, I should be thankful for this trip as I know from first hand experience that the stories about the taxi drivers are really true.

 Final impressions, me sitting on the floor of Don Muang. Smoking was still allowed, with a cigarette in my hand. Happy to get home. Many strange thoughts. Last final idea not to get a parcel stuck on me with illegal substances. Looking at the sex tourists and their not pretty girls. Would have never touched that. Finally going home. The boarding call, just out of here. Bye Bye Thailand. In these last hours, I did not even believe that I would see it again.

Part One - Chapter 5 - SHROOMS

Place: Koh Phangan

Time: September 1993

GETTING TO 'THE BEACH'

Traveling in Thailand at that time was compared to nowadays ancient. I had arrived with the train in Surat Thani. This was before the Lompraya Speed Boats that are leaving nowadays from Chumphorn. I was on the Songserm super ferry departing from Surat Thani. The ferries were massively huge but there were surprisingly not many people on the deck. The boat was full of cars and I had expected to see more passengers. The ship steered calmly through the waves. Most Thai people sat inside and enjoyed the air conditioning. This was much too cold for me. I was among a group of younger people enjoying the sun and the breeze in broad daylight. Around lunch time it became much too hot.  I spent half of the time inside of the ferry. As it was just too cold, I went out for some smoke breaks. It was not possible to go on direct way to Koh Phangan. There was the option of staying the night on Koh Samui or directly continuing my way. I had no desire to mingle with the tourists on Koh Samui. However, at that time you had to go over the biggest of the three islands in the Gulf of Thailand and then taking a connection vessel. I considered the distance between the mainland and Koh Samui about four times longer than between both islands. The ferry arrived on Koh Samui. We had to take a bus across the island to reach a small port. There, the boats were leaving to Koh Phangan. We had to wait a longer time for the connection. Then we were put then on a small fisher boat. The journey was quick and took only one and a half hours. The boats now leave from Chumporn and take only a forth of the time. They go directly and are much more comfortable.

Getting to the island was easy compared to the transport options provided on the island. My journey to the desired destination was far from over and it should become more adventurous.  It became dark by the time that we arrived. There were Songtaeos to the main beach Had Rin. It was not my plan to go there. Other destinations, mainly in the North of the island did not have this service. The best option was to stay close to the pier. Only the next morning, there would Songtaeos leave over the mountains to the North. I used travel guide books at that time. It was not suggested to go by motorbike in the night across the island. It was even advised not to take a motorbike at all on that island. Later, I discovered the facts about Songtaeos on the islands. 150 Baht for a ride across the island was far too expensive. The rent of a motorbike was 100 Baht for a day. However, I wanted to go to the small strip of beach called Had Khuat or Bottle Beach. In 1993, it was only possible to get there by hiking or taking a long tail boat. So, anyhow, a motorbike was out of question. Sometimes you just have to pay more if you want to go somewhere rather exquisite. Make your mind up where you want to go on the island and think about mobility. The choice should be between motorcycle to be independent or Songtaeo if you don't mind staying at one spot only.

THE BEACH?

Bottle Beach had a small reputation at the time of my first visit, I don't know the reasons how it got so famous among backpackers. I still do not know why Had Khuat has been compared with The Beach of Alex Garland. It was far less adventurous to come to the spot and not dangerous. The small secluded beach was a gem. Not many people had been there and people who had gone tried to speak about it as a boring place. Well, there were not any nightclubs or bars. Electricity was sparse and only in the restaurant in the evening. It had its charm and was idyllic. The beach had a long white sand strip and clear green water. Some kind of paradise, only for some people that wanted to win a distance to hectic civilization stress. Tourism had tried to enter but had stopped its invasion. Half of the bungalows had fallen down and showed no signs of attempts to repair them. Only one family ran the business of the only resort. It was a fantastic location for me, so peaceful and calm.  Of course it was a hidden place for most people. I hoped it would remain a secret spot for a longer time. This is probably the reason that it was so often compared to The Beach. Otherwise, it did not have much in common with the spot in the novel.

Another difference to the novel were the kind of people that I met at this beach. There was nothing of a hippie community but a crowd of nice people. All of us had a reason to come to that place. I think we were some species of shy, peace loving creatures who could not handle too much pressure of a modern world. We had relaxed contact with each other but left each other a large area of privacy. So we kept most time to ourselves. Sometimes, there were conversations in the restaurant. Most times we were just walking on our own through the jungle, swimming or just smoking weed. There were no closer relations or friendships going on. All of us just creatures living in a semi-hermit style. We were as well not depending on each other work as in the novel, we were just a bunch of backpackers off the beaten path.

Sometimes, I wonder that certain people can have an affect on the thinking, some you meet and others that you read or hear from. It was a great place to clear my thoughts. I met myself! Years of therapy can't help you so much as the opportunity to find inner peace. I could also say, it was some kind of therapy group under the supervision of a Swiss expatriate. He had stayed there a long time. More than a decade ago he had come to the beach. There he had met the daughter of the head of the police. The family controlled the island but was wary of visits from the cops from the mainland.  His family owned Bottle Beach and did not want to make it a too touristic place. They loved the nature and just wanted to live in peace. A hermitage for the wandering souls. If I would ever leave the western society behind, I did it the same way. There was a deeper meaning in going away from civilization and organised life to harmony with the environment. Many expatriates left only their country to make the same nonsense somewhere else, for me it should be different.

So far with real people but I spot now, a long time later, some coincidental parallels to fictive characters. It is almost funny for me that I shared one of the main thoughts of the main character of The Beach. '..though I wander through the valley of death I will fear no evil...'. A place like Bottle Beach back in 1993 can evoke the strangest ideas. I liked strolling, clad only in my sarong, under my Chiang Mai umbrella over the hot sand. I provoked the strangest comments. Some people even suggested me to wear a bra and go as farang kathoey. Now, looking back, we were all some species of birds of paradise. The main clothing were light like sarongs or only towels, shorts, and if it became too hot, some loose shirts. We did not give a fuck about conventions. We were far away from everything that your parents teach you. We were doing the strangest things. Even the spear fishing described in The Beach was practiced by Wilhelm, the Swiss guy who had stranded here. There were a lot of jellyfish and I experienced the pain if you swim into a swarm of them. TI was often too stoned to see the water clearly and blinded by the sun. One time, I found myself back in the middle of into nice assembly of these creatures. I got burned at both legs and arms and even at my back. As I came groaning of pain on land, Wilhelm was laughing his ass off.  There had been others before with the same fate. I fell nearly unconscious but learned that vinegar is the best medicine against the burns. I was rubbed by Gabriela, an attractive woman with a wonderful body, beautiful smile and apple sized tits, with it. The pain left me after a while, Gabriela did not. We spent the next two days mainly in my bungalow but then she had to return to Italy. I never saw her again. Some parts reading 'The Beach' remind me now how close we were in our behaviour to the imaginary characters.

ATTRACTIONS ON KOH PHANGAN

One of the infamous highlights of the island is the Full Moon party, another the magic mushrooms. The party has become a real tourist event for backpackers, the shrooms can be enjoyed at other places of the island much better.

Now, most of you have probably heard of the Fullmoon Party at Had Rin. If we can trust in wikipedia, then this happening was created in 1985. Surely, the original initiators of this happening had never planned to become world famous only a few years later. It was not the festival that made my stay now even more attractive. I, basically, do not like parties of too many people and in that month, October 1993, there were over 50,000 people at the party. It was the gathering of the size of a small town. I am not a fan of that kind of mass hysteria. The party had obviously gone out of control.

One of the main reasons for me not to go there were the large crowd of people, the drugs and the connected risks. I imagined that this was the population of the small town where I went to school. All the people there gathered on acid and other drugs, well that would be scary. An additional point for me not to go there has always been the big accumulation of police officers. Following the estimates of a few people that I individually asked, then the amount of police man at this party is at least a tenth of the attendees. Fuck that! Always consider that you really do not want to be arrested only for having fun. In my eyes there was a problem with people who took the gamble and bought drugs to a gathering like this. Maybe they had not enough information, well stupidity does not protect from punishment. Eventually, they were not aware of the risks, well even travel guide books tell you about it! Or they did not deserve it better. For me, it was no fun thinking about an extension of my holidays in Suan Plu Prison. I did not see any sense as well in paying a lot of money to the officials. The risk for me was just too high! People should consider these setting if they want to do drugs. Drug consume is an individual choice but should be connected with a minimum of intelligence not to go a gamble. Just use common sense!

Another case are the magic mushrooms, if you can handle them then enjoy, if you can't then avoid them. The full moon can bring the best quality of mushrooms. A condition for it is previous rain fall. Then the shrooms grow excellently in elephant and buffalo shit. They are a much better option in comparison to other drugs. I like natural products much more than chemical garbage. However, there are some really tragic and funny stories connected with the consume. These are about people that have just no clue what they are doing when eating the fungi. You can hear all kind of stuff about people that were just not able to handle them. There are people going from Koh Phangan for a swim to Bangkok. Dickheads!

GENERAL DRUG CULTURE

I have read a lot about drugs, experienced many and built my opinion about them. The biggest difference made between drugs is usually into dividing them into legal and illegal substances. There are hidden agendas about them. It is important to make your mind up about the basics to understand official opinion and not to drift into the cliche loaded mainstream thinking. Personally, it is important for me to explain you my thinking and attitude towards drugs so that you can understand what I am actually speaking about. 

The first category are the legal drugs. They are not prohibited but that does not mean that they are less harmful. There is a concept behind just allowing these substances. The industry wants you to be addicted! They produce drugs, clarify them as legal and this because out of business interests. Additionally, the effect of these drugs is to keep you in control. You need to work to be able to afford cigarettes and alcohol. So, they legalize stuff like cigarettes and alcohol that are much worse than ganja, shrooms and opium! However, they do not bring you on alternative thoughts and so you won't criticize the society out of a changed understanding. They are harmless for the exiting system where people are kept in line so that they do not understand that they have become slaves of a mechanism. They are not harmless for you but give you maybe the understanding of being an outcast through consuming them. If people think the intake of legal drugs makes them an outlaw, then this is simply laughable. These dudes should first stop taking all this legal shite! How can you be cool if you follow advertisements from professional marketing agencies? How can you claim to be a desperado if you are falling for tricks of the mass media? What did you actually want to achieve by taking drugs? Cigarettes and alcohol do a lot of things but certainly not giving you an expansion of your perception.

Then there are the clearly stigmatized illegal drugs, they are dangerous for the system but can be lethal for the consumer too. People should get more knowledge and think more before they are doing any kind of drug. This includes certainly the above mentioned legal drugs as well. Any kind of consume can drift into the direction of stupid drug abuse when people are unaware about the effects. There are in my view some certain rules about the intake of drugs. First, do not try your first time to experience any drug alone. Have a guide. This does not have to be a guru, medicine man or supervisor; just a really good friend. Then, do not play around with the drug in a competitive way. 'Hey man I can take more than you' is probably a pretty brain fucked approach. You are a shithead if you go for this kind of game. Sorry pal, you do not deserve to live. Get yourself some information about the drug. This has kept me away from doing some really crazy stuff by avoiding certain substances. So, as an example I have never tried and will never try smack. First, I do not like needles. Well, okay I know you can smoke it also on a cone. Second, the danger of addiction is too high. Again, I am aware that you can get away from it again. Just close yourself into your room for three days and decorate it with vomit. Still, not very attractive! You know what I mean? Do not try any stuff where you cannot evaluate the risk of it. In my case it is first the method how to take the goodies. Then, important for me is to know about the grade of addiction. If a drug can make you depending on it for life time, do not even try it. Otherwise, these illegal drugs can give you a deeper understanding of the world. This is the reason why they are dangerous for the ruling classes. It is not wished that people ask questions about reality. Certain, illegally declared drugs can bring you on other thoughts. Again, this is not wanted because the system has to be maintained without disturbing influences of people who start asking too many questions. We all shall only perceive a reality as we are trained like little rats by education, media and politics. Every kind of being divergent can destabilize the rules and norms of the society. Nobody has actually informed the broad masses that there might be alternatives. Only people that do not obey to the rules might come to different choices and take their opportunities. Many of the illegal drugs can support the users to suddenly experience another vision of the so called truth of life. The ruling classes are scared of that. They even inform by using all kinds of media that people do harm to their bodies by abusing drugs. This is true but there is the stronger hidden agenda to keep people in line by restricting opening opportunities to come to thoughts about different aspects of life.

However, I do not support drug consume as any compensation for something missed in life. I have only a positive approach towards drugs if they are seen as a supplement to have a better understanding of life.  Drugs are unfortunately mainly used to eradicate shortcomings in life but they will never be able to help the user to come over a personal deficit. This includes all kinds of drug consume which usually is abuse when people have the feeling to be unable to live without them. I am honest and admit that I am also in this group of people. I can't say that I am smart as long that I am smoking cigarettes. But come on, legalize weed and then I will not smoke any tobacco anymore! However, that's just me. Best still, keep your hands away from any drugs including cigarettes, alcohol, coffee and chocolate. Then you will never be endangered. You can for sure have fun without having ever tried any drug. Some people dare to say that drugs make happy. No, they don't! If you live only under drugs makes sense for you, sorry to tell you,  then you are just a poor pig, actually unable to live. Maybe you could find another purpose in life. Try to handle situations in a way that you feel happier without drugs. They can only contribute to a basic happiness. I personally do not need drugs to be happy. I am high on life! That is the best drug and it is for free! Just take care that they don't put you away because you were too happy! Otherwise, I can't support laws against drug consume as it should be everybody's own choice to do with his or her body.

INTRODUCTION TO SHROOMS

  Magic mushrooms are a natural drug, but there are different kinds and only some give you an expansion of your mind. They are a traditional drug, many people have eaten them but might not admit it. Any farmer has direct access to them. They might not tell you. If a farmer takes them, they would get easily stigmatized. Imagine you tell your neighbours that you eat products that grow in buffalo shit. Particularly in the villages people are carful what they talk about. Now, on Koh Phangan, they have elephants and buffaloes. The best shrooms grow in elephant excrement. The ones harvested from buffalo shit can send you on a pretty bad trip if you are not careful. I had never bad trips on the ones in elephant dung. Now, you need to be pretty lucky if you have a good friend who has elephants. I have tried hard but I could never befriend an owner of them. So, even I had to buy them as I got a little bit too careful about the buffalo species. It must be a good sideline business for elephant farmers. These are not rich people and so you even support rural development. through a careful intake of just these magic mushrooms you can experience not only other colours but an inside view into the secrets of the planet.

On Koh Phangan you had sometimes to wait for the right time and then you need to know the right people to enjoy shrooms. We had waited a longer time for rain on the island and it finally arrived two days before full moon. This was the moment that we asked Wilhelm to organise us some of the elephant shrooms. We were around five people with an intense interest in them. Three of us had never eaten elephant shrooms, including myself. I had only the ones from buffalo shit before and was not yet fully convinced by them. I wanted to give this natural good one more chance to make my mind up. According to Wilhelm I might have to take a stronger dose as psilocybin was not new for me. Now, a final advice, never try to be the big super mushroom eater. You can embrace the shrooms on a certain level but never take so much that they fuck up your brain. You must be in control and can not expect to be lead by them on a nice journey. It was soon before departing from Thailand and I trusted Wilhelm to have the right knowledge to provide us with some quality.

A BIT DRUG PHILOSOPHY

As I said, never overdo any drug and never trust on your gut feeling. That is what I strongly believe all these swimmers to Bangkok got wrong. Maybe they even had a guide but gave him wrong information. If somebody is asking you if you had drug experiences with some stuff before, to hell with you being ashamed to look like an inexperienced person. All of us have done trough this state at some time. Just tell the person who gives the new substance to you the truth, or do you want to OD? Twat! I often wonder what people expect. They ask for some substance and are then surprised if it hits them like a hammer on the head. No wonder, it is like driving. Would you start driving with a Lamborghini as your second car? No, really not? Well, then do not expect your brain suddenly to jump from zero drug experience onto the dose of a person who has gone through years of drug abuse! That is pretty much the same! It is insane! So, get the point? Always be so fair that you do not turn the poor guy who gave you the drug into a fuckin murderer! Forget you gut feeling, forget your embarrassment, be honest with yourself and especially others around you.

Some people seriously believe in the concept of party drugs, that is another fucked up understanding. Mushrooms like most other drugs are not a party drug. There is a big difference if the founders of the Full Moon party took them or if people are using them now on this mass assembly. How can you enjoy the shroom if too many outside influences of loud music and too many people are pestling you? I wonder anyhow about the meaning of a party drug. I mean I do understand it with MDMA and Ecstasy. These are drugs that make you believe a feeling of being connected. So, yeah maybe they could be considered as a drug you should take in the gathering of many people. I have difficulties to gain an understanding how other drugs can be called party drugs. Do you want to enjoy the party or the  drug? Both together is only limited possible! Many people nearly worship but LSD as a party drug. I mean, are they complete losers or what? They can only experience then a part of the party and a part of the drug. This drug should never been taken in public to enjoy its limitlessness to experience colours and thoughts. Take that stuff alone in a forest or alone with your girlfriend at the beach that is fine. On a party it is not only pretty anti social, even worse you wasted time, money and drug impact. It is hilarious to see people on Psy-trance parties on acid.  They consume drugs and stumble around like zombies after a while. Hey great stuff, it really turns us on! Fuck no! Your behaviour just got fucked up and it is just not nice to be mentally out of control. Was the DJ really that shit that you had to escape into a fantasy reality? I mean, I speak from experience. It is not that I have never tried it. After a few times I knew that it was just a waste. If a DJ is shit, I just go away, I do not need the wanna-be musician as an alibi only to take drugs. However, I like well-mixed hard techno and psy-trance but I get pretty annoyed by all the zombies on the dance floor.  But however you want to enjoy your kind of drug, it is fine with me. That were only my 5 cent to it, I am not a drug guru, far from it. In the end I was pretty happy to be on Bottle Beach to enjoy the shroom and not on some stupid party.

SHROOMS FLYING HIGH

I was happy to be surrounded by nice people and in a remote environment so that I had high expectations for the mushroom experience. In the evening the ordered shrooms were put into omelets. Trust me, they are not delicious at all. So, do not eat them raw. Now, like with most drugs, the best impact of them is if you have not eaten for a longer time before. My last meal had been a light breakfast. Wilhelm was really a master of prescribing each of us the most suitable doses.  After a while, all of us were peacefully drifting away. I went back to my bungalow and had another joint. Actually, this was not necessary. However, after the meal I wanted something to smoke and didn't want to spoil the trip with tobacco. The first half hour nothing happened to me. Wilhelm had told all of us to be patient. Then, after a while, my senses got more aware from hidden parts of the environment. It started very quietly, I heard some distant voices. They had such a beauty in them that I doubted them to be human. Some sweet sound was in the distance, first I could not figure what it was. Then, I identified it as a pan flute. It was playing a sweet melody. A sign that the god of nature walked around. I heard soft giggling, that must have been fairies. We were all protected by the nature. 'Do never talk about us', kind voices told me. 'Keep us away from the modern world. We are scared.' A sign to be on the right path. 'One day you will live in Thailand.' I giggled, that were clear signs of hallucinations. 'You will find love here.' I still had myself under control. Slowly I started to understand why some victims could not stand the experience of the shrooms and thought to escape by swimming. The sea made a nice background with its soft waves against the shore. It was tempting to go just into the water. Suddenly, Gabriela rode out of the water on the back of a huge water dragon.  This kept me back from going for a swim. Obviously my subconsciousness kept me back from being stupid. I relaxed again, the lovely melody continued now further away. I saw multiple colours bound torainbows in the distant on the dark night sky. Everything around me turned into nature's calm embrace of beauty. Illusions were playing in front of my eyes, the leaves started now talking to me. They used a language I could not understand. My mind was relaxed and mellow, still aware of my surroundings. I was at home!

The aftermath or rebound from drugs can be quiet disturbing. After a trip I usually feel empty inside and missing something. I had slept over night in my hammock in front of my primitive shelter. I woke up at first sunlight. The impact of the psilocybin was calmly swallowed by the pure existence of nothing, I went for a swim in the first rays of a new day. The ocean was softly splashing at my half naked body. I felt like being in the softness of a mother's womb. The little pearl in the soda glass. The stream of lightening in the universe. Of course, I did not have any intention swimming to Bangkok. You have to control the drug and the rebound as well. I had handled it well, the drug had not taken control over me. I spent a longer time in the water and came out as it began to be too hot. Happily, I had my breakfast. The smiles of the other space travelers told me that they had also enjoyed a brilliant trip. There was not much talking that morning. Everybody must have felt the way that silence built a much better connection than making any sound. Sometimes there was a spoon dripping against a plate and even that I considered already as a disturbance. I was a little bit sad as well. After such an experience it is difficult to stay longer at the same place. In a few days my plane back to Germany would depart. I had slowly to get ready for my trip back to Bangkok. Wilhelm must have been able to read thoughts or to understand the feelings as he came over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said 'Yes, so is it. This happens to all of us.'

This is a long time ago, my attitude has changed since then. Do not do any drugs if you really love your life. You will be missing on so many opportunities and beautiful things if you drop too much of any substance. There is no overdosis on life, just on drugs. I have lost a few friends through drugs and well yeah nowadays I am pretty happy to be alive. Drugs are for sure a kind of experience but after a time you can forget that you 'only' wanted to try it out. There are too many people who were decent at one time no longer really living because they lost the plot.  

TRAVEL GUIDES?

There are two things that can change a place massively, people that talk too much and travel guides. Circumstances that have never made me happy were to know that places would change. Later on, I was even suggested never to go back to a place because you will be most times disappointed. Sometimes this happens even accidentally through the people that loved them most. I did only tell my closest friends about my experiences at Bottle Beach. Those friends did not have any intention to come to Thailand. This made it rather secure that information did not fall into the wrong hands or minds. Contrary, many people have the feeling that they could not prove themselves as 'superheros' at nice places. They make stories up that place them into the center to compensate some shortcomings. They want to sound important and propose themselves as the main characters. Usually, they don't care that their fantasies will attract more people to go there. Maybe it is some kind of revenge, they did not have fun so they want to bring down the place. The worst scenario is if these losers even start to write travel blogs or even travel guides. I always see them fuck it all up. Such in the last year as I was shocked to see an article 'The 10 most beautiful undisturbed islands of Thailand'. I mean, have these guys actually a brain and can apply logic? I think they can't. They are so full of themselves to be the first to write about these places. I mean, I could write also about a lot of locations that are still beautiful. I just don't. That has nothing to do with an ability to write. I know that I am probably not even average as a writer in their eyes. But, out of my ordinary perspective, these people suffer mental disturbances. They think that their writing is more important than balance in nature. Do you want to ask me to give you suggestions about spots without tourism? Piss off! I am a complete egoist and will not tell you anything. I still want to enjoy these nice locations in a decade or so. I am also not a whore to sell out the secrets pleasures at sweet locations. Write some fiction if you have the brain for it. Don't contribute to really fuck up this planet. Try to be creative, try to find your own way around. It is not difficult to look into a travel guide, compare it with a map and visit just those places that is not written about. I mean that does not even need a lot of thinking. The guys that dare to write about undisturbed places open them up for wankers that would otherwise be too scared to go there. Those journalists give information to the lazy people who are just no adventurers.  Yes, of course even explorers have impact on a place. Look, even Alex Garland did not write about any real place. Good on him! However even the mentioning of Had Rin and Koh Phangan had unfortunately some impact. The places were changed before and as his book was published in 1996. So, he did not do too much damage anymore. However, others should be ashamed about the work that they do for money of the establishment. I understand that people suffer stress and need holidays. Send them to Phuket, go to Koh Samui. These are places that are already spoiled. Just, these travel writers should not rob us of the hidden pearls! Therefor, I do not like people talking too much about secret places or even writing dumb articles and publishing them on the net or books.