Part Two - Chapter Two - NO PUSSY REQUIRED

Place: Ubud (Bali) / Pelabuhan Ratu (Java)

Time: July/August 1994 

BETTER TO BE ALONE

The last three weeks had been chaotic. Somehow, I had tried to clear my mind and feelings about Asia but I had not been able to do that. The idea of trying to find some connections to Europe through a woman had proven a failure. I had rather been increasingly attracted by Asian women. The most important thing that I focused now on was myself. I had to be alone to find a new direction for my journey in life. Nobody else would be able to help me.

In the beginning of relationships, I find it always positively challenging to find a way to exchange pleasure. As I had left Yogyakarta for Bali, Silvia, the Swiss woman had accompanied me. Still being kept in the mystic embrace from the two ancient temples, I had approached her on my last evening in Yogya. The attraction was mutual and we had started acting out our passion. In the bus to Bali, we had started with heavy petting amid the local Muslim and Hindu travelers. Most time we had spent half naked under our blankets caressing each others body. As we arrived on Bali, we had taken together a bungalow. I had believed that the woman was ready for getting laid. However, she had told me that we should wait to let the lust rise even more. Silvia told me that she believed in tantric sex. Two people should wait a bit before they had intercourse. I first agreed to that as I expected a mind blowing experience to follow. Now, that had been only the beginning of all the confusion.

I have come to the belief that most people are emotionally damaged, not only the ones that we usually describe with this terminology. Former lovers certainly influence our sexuality and we have to be careful to facilitate this with the next partner. In the previous year, after I had come back from Thailand, there had been only one woman in Germany. We had spent a long time with each other and had even started moving in sporadically. She had lived around 200 kilometers away. Our employment and my study situation had allowed that we spent most time together. This woman had given me feminist literature. I had gotten aware of progressive female ideas. Mainly, I had developed a tolerance for other opinions about sexual intimacy. It had really helped me to expand my understanding. However, one event had blown my mind and gone clearly over the limit. She had fulfilled her birthday wish by fucking my best friend. If that was emancipation than it was definitely questionable. 

Only on Bali, with Silvia, I started to see something positive in these experiences. A woman that wanted to wait was better than a woman who wanted only to fuck her brain out with multiple partners. It was rather acceptable that Silvia expressed her desire of waiting a little bit longer. It could even be an interesting experiment if it really worked the way she told me. Still, I found myself sometimes in situations like in the movie A Fish Called Wanda. We caressed in restaurants in Ubud and I came really close to multiple orgasms. I was really thankful that I had not the ability to read minds. I certainly did not make me any friends among the locals by our strange actions. Seriously, do you want to defend yourself if the foot of a woman goes up your leg and starts fiddling with your genitals? It made it easier that I was wearing the traditional Balinese sarong most of the time. If you don't understand how it felt for me, just try it out in your local pub.

The best places can be spoiled when you are unhappy, worst is when you are unhappy about somebody else and don't know how to change it.  We spent most of the day on our bicycles, going around different sites such as nice viewpoints, temples and woodcarving galleries. In the evening was time to explore our bodies. It could have been what other people call romantic, but there were too many things that bothered me. Such as I started to dislike the way how Silvia was dealing with the locals. She was clearly the opinion that you could not trust anybody. She was really mean in haggling and criticized the culture a lot. I got slowly to the conclusion that we would have to work a lot to adapt to each other. A disturbing feeling was growing as well. It was not much fun to cycle most of the day with a boner but having to wait that I could fuck her. She had the ridiculous opinion that oral sex was not natural. So, she refused to give me a blowjob and did not allow me to go down on her. I felt increasingly under pressure. It did not help at all in this situation that I tried to get my own space. Whenever I wanted to do something alone, Silvia hang on me like a burdock. I could not get away from her whatever I tried and I did not want to be rude to tell her off. The paradise of Bali turned into a ig headache, something had to change.

In frustrating situations, people usually find something to condemn about the other person. One day, and I wonder I  had not been aware of it earlier, I observed that she did not use any shampoo. I had run out of my own and asked to use hers. She laughed and meant 'Shampoo is not good for you. I have not used it for years.' Well, there are reasons that speak clearly against shampoo. However, I suddenly suspected that the bad smell in our bungalow did not come from our sweaty clothes but probably from her body. My awareness of this rancid odor grew but I still could not figure what exactly it reminded me of. I was at a point rather to leave than suffering any longer.

Sex can be a solutions to a problem, it should not, but not getting any of it can help to make your mind up quicker as well. One evening, before we went to bed, I had reached the point of no return. This night I had to fuck her or I would leave her behind. We went to bed and started caressing each other. As I had the feeling that I could not take it anymore without finally shagging her, I pulled out a condom. Her face turned into an ugly mask. I do not know if it was the feeling that I awoke of 'I will not take any plastic into my body' or if it was the Christian belief of 'I will only have intercourse to reproduce'. Whatever, she did not want to get screwed. I turned around and pretended to sleep. Then, I waited until I heard her soft snoring. I could not even imagine being with this woman in one bed anymore. Suddenly, thick fog lifted from my mind. The malodorous stench came from her body and even worse I knew what it reminded me of. I had only smelled it twice before at the ENT specialist. It was a similar smell as I had experienced as the doctor got rid of my acute sinusitis by sucking out the stuck snot out of my paranasal sinuses. There was no other option. I had to leave the following morning. 

  Of course, in life it is usually not okay for me to make sharp cuts and leaving people without giving them a few more chances. But come on, I had holidays and you don't want to fuck up your leisure time with too many headaches. Sometimes, you just do not have any other option than going different ways. The most important person in your life is always yourself. I feel pity for the people who are in the strange belief that their life can only be happy if they have a partner. I consider it even as not fair if you need somebody to complement you. Get on with your life. Make the best out of it. Do not try to bind yourself if you cannot find happiness alone. How do you want to take any responsibilities in your life if you cannot stand on your own feet. Unfortunately, Silvia belonged to the group of weak members of the society. She begged me to stay, she cried to impress me and she made silly promises. She was even not aware that these potential commitments made it even worse for her. I did not want to have anybody who 'waits for me if I come back from my journeys through the jungle.' I did not like to hear that somebody would change her life for me and 'use shampoo and wash regularly.' These were things a person had to arrange with herself. It was bullocks to use another one as reason to change behaviour. It made me partly feel like some kind of scapegoat. I had seen how she dealt with the locals. There was too much danger to steer towards a life in a prison like relation if I stayed. She was just not adaptable to me. We were two of a kind. The worst however was to hear 'you can fuck me if it is that what has driven you away.' This was just painful. A relationship with her would have never worked over a long time. I tried to take part of the blame on me but it did not help. Actually, I even did not know what I really wanted but I was sure it was not a partnership with this woman. The time with her had not been a waste. However, it was time to go.

BALI EXTREME

There was so much more to see and do on Bali that I did not mind getting away from Silvia, it was a release into the light. Bali back in 1994 had turned already into a very touristic place. The island was very popular and had a worldwide reputation for being a great island to make holidays. Still, the so called artist center in the middle of the island, Ubud, was not so much frequented by tourists and there were not many expensive hotels. I would have not expected it to be a location for tranquility. I decided to stay a further couple of days and being alone again, I got quickly caught into the culture of the island. 

Bali is famous for its traditional dances, they are beautiful but try to keep to the locals and you will see far more amazing things. The Barong dance at the old temple of Ubud was fascinating and I loved particularly the traditional music but I had the feeling it was not yet the real thing. Something out of the shadows called me again. I got the opportunity by making friends with some of the local people to see a Kecak Fire and a Trance Dance. These dances come in a few varieties and are even offered on travel agency programs. However, there are some that are usually not open for tourists. I was the only Westerner among a group of Indonesian spectators. The Indonesian guy that had taken me with him advised me not to take any pictures. I had come to the real thing. The action of the dancers was encircling me and took me under a spell. The ritual of the dance put me into a trance like status. My thoughts drifted away and I somehow started to feel that Asia would be my future. The dances opened me a portal into the Asian cultures as if I had been always a part of it. There was magic working here. There was no doubt for that. How else, could the dancers stuck swords into their bodies without any blood spreading and without getting injured. At modern circuses the magician is usually dressed and uses a lot of effects. These dancers had only a piece of cloth around their waists to hide their private parts. There was no trick, this was real magic. The dancers moved over fire but this can be seen in other cultures, too. The ramming of a sword into their bodies, I had never heard before of and can also not find any plausible explanation. Sometimes, flames were flying into my direction, my shoes got hot but I did not take any serious damage. I was no longer of a clear mind. There was a lot of temptation to join the world of mystery.

Confrontations with different cultures can keep people back from joining them, other encounters can suddenly open the senses to feel a hidden truth. One of my last days on Bali, I was walking through the streets of Ubud.  A big procession was coming up the hill and walked towards the city center. The people were dressed in colourful suits. They carried baskets and plates of fruits and flowers. Then came a big wagon with a coffin which was followed by three festive dressed beauties. I thought that they might only accompany the body of their father to his last resting place. I was curious to see what was going on. An hour later, I got more inside knowledge as I followed the parade. The sati, the ritual of ceremonial burning of the wives was still practised in Bali. Short before the pyre was ignited, I walked away. I was not in shock, it was only a strange feeling to see that Hinduism on Bali had not abandoned the ritual. However, it drove a rift between me and this place. I liked the nature and the people were kind. Under no circumstances, I wanted to be at a place where I had just witnessed something barbaric. I did not appreciate this setting at all. Hinduism was an old religion, older than Buddhism but I had hoped that at least some customs had adapted to modern standards. In that moment, I started to compare Hindus and Buddhists. I understood that I would never be able to live among Hindus. This religion seemed to be much too savage. Here, on Bali, I had after a long time of ignorance the desire again of going back to the Land of Smile. 

  Nothing better to conclude the visit of a location than doing something so extreme that you will always keep the place in your mind and memories. It came the day that should be my last on this island. I had been challenged by the culture and religion. I had enjoyed it and I could have only spent my time better if I had stayed all the time on my own. On my last day I wanted to confront myself, my mind, body and soul. There seemed nothing better to do than to make a brutal bicycle journey. I had already been half-way up to the volcano Batur volcano with my mountain bike. It had been lots of fun going down the slopes to Ubud again. I even overtook motorbikes and now I set myself another trial for my last day. I had fancied it for a longer time, going down to the sea, having a look at the Tanah Lot Temple and then climbing up again to Ubud. I had talked to the owner of the guesthouse and he told me it as impossible. I could hardly believe him and told him that I would be back in the evening. He was only laughing about it. This seemed to be then the right thing to do on a final day.

The tour is not that long, the conditions of the road and weather are the bigger obstacles. There are just 33 kilometers between the two places and only a difference in elevation of 200 meters. Early in the morning, I started my tour. I had chosen only to take a small backpack with water with me. The drive towards the sea was not that difficult. The way was first on a good street but then I had to go over smaller ways which conditions were more like crossroads at that time. At around lunch time I was at the temple. Now, this was a really touristic site. I was not much interested in it. Particularly, it was just low tide and so the temple appeared only as a smaller Hindu temple on a big rock. On the way back I had to cycle first through a few kilometers of flat rice fields. The wind was blowing heavily from the front so this was already a lot of work. The most strenuous part was still ahead of me and I started to feel my legs getting heavier. On the climb through the forest up to Ubud, I fell somehow into a delirium. I was not there anymore, just my thoughts. Kids were overtaking me and making their fun out of me but I did not mind. Old people looked fascinated at me and some even tried to motivate me with shouting at me and clapping their hands. I melt into nature which became part of me. There was no longer a distinction between the trees at the side, the sound of birds and me cycling on the bike. My thoughts jumped randomly through past, present and future. Every bad situation that I thought of made me stronger. Any sweet event and anything connected with hope for the future helped me to relax. Ubud came closer by the minute. I had to make a break to buy some water. I felt the dehydration creeping like a poisonous snake into my body. Some water helped but it was not enough, I had some biscuits with it. As I tried to get back onto my bike, I nearly fell down. I checked the time and I saw it was only two hours left to sunset. I certainly did not want to be on the road with a bike that missed the lights in the dark. Ubud came closer, more kids overtaking me, more old people cheering, more pain in my legs and I had remembered this climb. After it would only come one deep valley and then another ascent. If I could just roll down into the valley then my speed should carry me halfway up the final hill. I made myself extremely small on the bike and got a very good speed. There was an agricultural vehicle on the street, I checked if I had nobody coming behind me, then I overtook the tractor. I had not lost much of my speed but suddenly, a vintage car overtook me and cut sharply before me to the left so that I had to go into the brakes. Bastards! These stupid rich holiday makers that looked like pepped up film people in their vehicle and their suitable early 20th century suits. I could not care who they were but they were assholes. That was for sure. Rich filthy scum, only on the world to serve their own purposes and not caring about anybody else. If they had any respect for other people they would have had the eyes on the road and tried not to obstruct the path of any other person. This incident turned the final climb into torture. I was struggling on the bike but I knew exactly that I had to stay in the saddle. Getting out of it would mean giving away everything, my power, my spirit and my endurance. Short before sunset, I arrived in Ubud. At the guesthouse, the owner came out and was cheering for me. I had mastered the way but even more important I had won against myself, it was time to continue my journey.

COULD SHE BE ASIAN?

I often wonder how people can judge a country from their tourist destinations. It is more the distant places off the beaten path that can show you details about a country. After a two day continuous journey, I arrived on the shorter West coast of Java in a smaller place called Pelabuhan Ratu. My old idea of traveling to places that had not been mentioned much in travel guides had taken possession of me again. I do not know what I was looking for at that place except knowing the country better. Anyhow, I arrived there and I saw that there was really no reason to mention that place in any kind of literature. A boring Muslim city with a volcanic sand beach. I guessed that it must have been a very good place for surfing or wave riding. It was the first place on my journey that I had the need of delving into my Bahasa Indonesia book which I had bought in Singapore. I encountered a nice and peaceful Muslim society where the surprised locals closed me quickly into their hearts. This was much different to Bali.

I had arrived at the place, without any desire to find a woman in the next couple of months, just with the wish to relax. This was shaken by meeting one of the sisters of the owner of the guesthouse. Her name was Imam and she had been married already once. There was a respect between us which was even not disturbed by her, showing me her fondness. The first time that we met, I was just playing pool billiard with her brother. I saw that he actually did not want to introduce me to her. He admitted later that he understood me. He admired that I was on my journey to myself. He did not want to be responsible for putting obstacles into my way. The following day, I was very surprised to see her in my bungalow as I came back from the beach. She did not need to work in the guesthouse, they had two cleaners. However, from this day on she made it her personal task to dust, change the bed lining and take out the garbage. She also motivated me to learn more Indonesian every day. After a couple of days, we started going out for dinner and became really good friends. Unfortunately I belong to the group of men that put their brains first and not their dicks.

Already in Germany, I had been quite retarded in the interaction with women. I had spent a lot of time with women and probably I just had too much respect for them. Female friends and I had even slept in the same bed and I had hardly ever made the move to get closer to them. A couple of years later some of these women had asked me if I had not considered them as attractive. Indeed, many of them had been super appealing young females but I would have never come on the idea that they really wanted more from me. Later, a female colleague told me then that I would incorporate many ideals that women like in men. This knowledge does not help much if you are slow in understanding the desires of the opposite gender. Then you are just not very smart. I was such an idiot and even knowing it I had so far not made any improvements. So, I admit being a real moron regarding the sexual approach to women. That does not even mean that I would have not liked to have sex with more women than I had in my life. Something kept me back of really dealing with trying to get closer to them. There have been even women standing in front of me and telling me frankly 'I want you!'   What had I done in these situations? Pissing them off and asking 'What for?' Sometimes, I feel like Forest Gump surrounded by Baywatch girls.

Knowing these mental conditions, it will not surprise you that it developed with Imam just into the same direction. I did not express that I appreciated being together with her, not only as a friend. In this case,  I just found the excuse suitable that I was on a trip through Indonesia, Malaysia and eventually Thailand. There was not time to become emotionally bond to a place because of a woman. I developed in these days quiet a talent to find a lot of reasons and false excuses for lying to myself. I just had not the balls to accept that I might have liked it to stay at this place and not continue traveling. However, I became aware that I liked the kind and peaceful Asian way of women much more than the frontal and aggressive way of Europeans. This new knowledge did not make it easier to think logically like a cave man, just hit her over her head and carry her home.

Let's be honest, there is more to feminism and emancipation than insisting on having the same rights. I have heard it so many times and it makes me really sick if Western women claim that Asians are not emancipated. Asian women are often just smarter and get their rights in their relationships much more subtle. It is wrong if women try to find out the personal opinion of a man at the first date. That is scarring people off and well yeah only all the douchebags are left over. Then it is further no surprise if real men die out and most young men try their best in becoming pussies. Of course, there should not be made any difference about the chances of working places or salaries. But do women seriously think that has to be brought up in finding the right guy? How shall people communicate with each other if every encounter is based on mistrust, competition and aggression from the beginning? I doubt that the majority of men can ignore anymore that there are only a few biological differences. So, why can't women and men not approach each other first in a kind, peaceful and civilised way? This kindness and peacefulness of Asian women was expressed by Imam a lot. This did not make her a stupid bunny just only a friendly person. This was what I had missed in European women. Unfortunately, I was not ready for Imam or she was just not the right one. However, it became obvious that the Asian way of women was much more appealing to me. In other words, I was much more tempted to be corrupted than hit into my face.

My way continued to find myself, I was by far not there where I would have to face my personal truth. After a week, I left that place and made my way towards Sumatra. Pelabuhan Ratu was off the beaten path but not remote enough. I hoped to find in Sumatra a few places that would let me find even more inner peace in even more remote surroundings. It was not only about myself, I wanted to visit locations before they were burned down, deforested or turned into modern entertainment venues under the influence of Western societies.